My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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