I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
