A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
