New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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