I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
