My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
