we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
