2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
