the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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