I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
