Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
did i just pee glitter
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
