Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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