So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
