Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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