you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Floor bacon is actually really good
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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