i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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