I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
