He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
