i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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