Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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