i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
