I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.