Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
