My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
