Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
