you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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