Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
