I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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