need another drink. this is the easiest way
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
