so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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