I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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