I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
