the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
