and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
