I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
