If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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