all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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