it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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