there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
