My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
