i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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