So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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