I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
