Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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