If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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