you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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