listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You need a sexual gate keeper
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
