I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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