She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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