True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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