I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
