its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
