it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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