i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
