Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
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I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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