You insisted on take shots off of plates.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
