When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
