when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
