At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
