after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
