he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
23 Times Kids Said the Harshest Things
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
21 Rich People Confess The Best And Worst Things About Being Wealthy
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?