i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
