hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
