I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
